What happened to M. Night Shyamalan?

What the heck happened, M. Night Shyamalan?

I just saw the ad for the new M. Night movie. It’s designed to look like some kind of andromeda strain movie.

“There appears to be an event happening,” a man intones. This, according to our statistics, is the blandest, most uninformative, passive-voice piece of advertising ever recorded in the history of modern advertising (post-1890).

Then we see the word SOMETHING flash in big letters. People look panicked.

IS, say the titles. Some crap about it being a three-stage phenomenon, going from disorientation to fatality.

HAPPENING, say the titles. Apparently the fatality is caused by people spontaneously being turned into silhouettes that fall from great heights.

Suspense! And now the name of our filmic production? It’s called THE HAPPENING.

Oh. My. Gawd. How could this be?

How could M. Night make such a laughable and airheaded trailer?

How could the guy behind The Sixth Sense continue to piss away his once-mighty creative license with movies like Signs and The Village?

How can this guy continue to land talent like Wahlberg, the star of his new pic?

Does he still know how to tell a good idea from a weak one? Has he lost the knack of screenwriting?

The third stage is fatal

M. Night, the clock is ticking. This Happening better be happening. Hollowood is the home of upward failure, but you know, you can’t fool all of the people all of the time. Even fanboys.

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Gameplay Cliches

Gameplay cliches get a lot of chatter, but when the game is successful and has a core experience that people enjoy, no one says a word.

Case in point: Gears of War.

Mine carts.

Ammo boxes that are strewn around abundantly.

Crates that contain ammo boxes. Also strewn around at every juncture.

Lava levels.

Gears of War has all of these gameplay cliches.

Not a peep about it in the rags.

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Napoleon Dynamite and other dance scene movies

Time to break open the scope on this blog a bit and chat a bit about movies — not overtly fanboyish movies like Blade but movies in general.

You see, today I was speculating about a new subgenre of popular non-musicals. Outsider movies that feature a “big finish” dance scene. Specifically, Napoleon Dynamite and its lesser cousin, Little Miss Sunshine.

The climaxes of both of these movies turn on a dance performance – a dance that goes against type, that surprises its audience, that affects the quest of the central characters.

These movies are testaments to the transformative power of dance.

The seed of this movement was germinated back in 1994’s Reality Bites, in one of the funniest scenes of the movie. While on the road, the characters spontaneously do kind of a sitting Cabbage Patch to Squeeze’s “Tempted.”

Reality Bites trivia:

  • Gwyneth Paltrow, Anne Heche, and Parker Posey, virtual unknowns at the time, all auditioned for the role of Vickie Miner, which eventually went to Janeane Garofalo.
  • Bites was also Renee Zellweger’s big-screen debut.
  • Zellweger has only one g, as I just found out.
  • Bites was written by my high school classmate Helen Childress. (Note how it’s set in Houston.) We have various theories about who Ethan Hawke’s character is based on, and whether the name of his band references a Super 8 film we made.
  • In said film, I get my hand run over by a psycho who turns up in my apartment elevator, follows me to the garage, and steals my car. That’s pretty much the entire plot.

Beware, however. Soon dance will start to insidiously infiltrate the content of the movies. First it’ll be a dance number during the credits after one of these “big finish” movies. Then it’ll be a character who sends secret messages with his toes during the scenes leading up to the big dance. And finally, it’ll be a dialog-less movie where the entire plot is communicated through tap-danced morse code and interpretive dance.

Beware. You heard it here first.

Dangerous movies

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