Red Robin Gourmet Burgers and the Future of America

Had a Red Robin Gourmet Burger and Now I Am Nostradumbass

So your immodest game writer went to Red Robin, the burger chain, the other night. While the experience is fresh in my mouth (why does that sound wrong?), I feel I must crack wise about what Red Robin gourmet burgers tell us about the future of this country.

red-robin-gourmet-burgersRed Robins are really a microcosm of what is good and bad about the name-branding and big-boxing of America. They’re made from fresh, healthy ingredients. They’re tidy, clean, identical, carefully marketed to Joe Six-Pack, and unerringly friendly.

The staff seem ridiculously cheery; you have to wonder about the pep talks and management, because they’re totally getting it done. I do admit, however, to a flashback to the cynical and often twisted movie Waiting when I saw them gather up twice to sing out birthdays to families celebrating their kids’ special days.

So Yeah, The Burger

I ordered the Whiskey River BBQ Chicken Burger, which is basted with BBQ sauce. It also includes cheddar cheese, crispy onion “straws” (think skinny onion rings), lettuce, tomatoes, and mayo. “Cowpokes and real folks both love this one!” crows their website.

The burger arrived promptly, accompanied by a serving of their piping hot “bottomless fries” and some gigantic crunchy onion rings. At first it looked a little small to me, peeking out of a white paper wrap*, but it’s about the size of a chicken burger you cook on your own grill. The menu photos always look enormous.

So I took a big bite and I had a revelation. Red Robin gourmet burgers are telling the future, and the future is expensive, heavily sauced, carefully manicured, and so full of flavor that you can’t taste what it’s made of. The future is served by marvellously attentive people who refill your soda before you’re done, sometimes bringing you a second glass so you don’t even have to lower the glass to get more.

A bite of my burger was like a little bite of Las Vegas. The glittering lights, the gambling, the dancing girls, and the empty feeling. I followed the cheese, I was diverted by the onion straws, and I was waylaid by the barbeque sauce. The overall effect was pleasurable and comforting, because on an animal level I was happy that I was getting some serious calories. My tongue responded to the sweet and the salty. But on the other hand it had none of the subtle interplay of flavors that truly great food possesses. It didn’t surprise or delight; it overpowered.

And somewhere in there was a chicken breast, flanked by some lettuce and tomato, all yelling to be heard, but no one paid any attention.

My gourmet burger was relentlessly adult but built on childish principles. It’s forgotten what it is. A Red Robin gourmet burger is what mall food looks like when it grows up. And the future is lavish, clean, and bright, but it looks to be overdramatic and desensitized at the same time.

*By the way, this wrap is really a brilliant innovation, keeping the burger together without a toothpick, and making it easy to hold.

Uncharted 2 Steals Hearts

Uncharted 2 and Naughty Dog Revive the Adventure Genre

The Uncharted 2: Among Thieves SKU and its action/adventure gameplay are dominating the ratings at Metacritic. Adventure games? Zork? Monkey Island? Indiana Jones? Hello again. We’ve missed you.

Uncharted 2 brings back Nathan Drake (Indiana Jones?) for another round of high-stakes artifact hunting, this time to the fabled Shambhala, a remote valley in the Himalayas, where he’s pitted against a fugitive war criminal.

I don’t have a full gameplay review today — just a little celebration, and a link to Uncharted 2’s astronomical Metacritic score and review.

97, in case you’re curious — a point below all-time PS3 leader Grand Theft Auto IV.

Hogwarts’ Harry: Top Five Europe Photos

Hogwarts’ Harry and Other Pics

Hogwarts School and Harry Potter don’t actually appear in any of my “game writer on vacation” photos, but there is a connection, as you’ve probably already noticed.

So I’ve decided to jump the gun and throw up a top five of the photos I took in London and Paris, with five more to come shortly.

Notice the devious writing trick I used — the non-commital “a top five” rather than “my top five photos” or (heaven forfend!) “the top five photos.” Not really a game writing trick, per se; more of a legalistic way to avoid saying anything definitive.* These are just five photos that I like, for various reasons.

* I recently read an interview with one of my English profs, Nancy Packer, who lambasted the semi-colon. She said it’s the language’s ugliest punctuation mark, and that one should use dashes instead. Punctuation passion!

Sorry about the dorky watermark. I’m submitting these to some stock photo agencies and I don’t want slimeballs leeching these.

hogwarts-harry

Was amazed to stumble upon this college courtyard in Cambridge. This isn’t even one of the heavy hitters like King’s College; this is one of the minor colleges. I wish my university dorm looked like this. Ready for a brisk game of Quidditch!

By the way, Quidditch is the most ridiculous game in creation. It’s clear that J.K. Rowling isn’t much for game design. She can write the crap out of candy and sweets, though, I’ll grant her that.

videogame writer's eiffel-tower-ironwork-trusses

You might recognize this structure. Hint: Paris.

game-writer-brick-apartments

Brick apartments in Swanage on the Dorset coast.

game writer at buckingham palace

Buckingham Palace and the Victoria Monument.

cannons-palace-les-invalides_sm

Hopital de Les Invalides. Napoleon is buried in the cathedral whose gilded dome you can see up top.

Hope you — Harry Potter fans, science fiction readers, and otherwise — enjoyed these ramblings. More soon.

Brain Design Central: TED Talk on Brain Manipulation

Brain designer seems like a less interesting job than game designer, but it does have a certain ring to it. And let’s face it, your work is more likely to be described as “mind-blowing,” which is how I’d describe this TED talk from Rebecca Saxe, who studies the brain at the eponymous Saxelab at MIT.

The TED writeup emphasizes mind-reading. That’s all well and good, but that’s just the come-on. My takeaways from this stimulating (literally) demonstration are:

  1. Holy crap! Magnets can change the way you think!
  2. As we always suspected, judgmental people are mentally lazy. In fact, this research seems to indicate that a chronic lack of empathy is a physiological problem. Now we just need to strap a bulk eraser to the heads of inconsiderate people.
  3. The Pentagon is really calling Dr. Saxe about ways to use this research for military purposes. Greaaaaat. Shouldn’t it be NIMH calling instead?

Game Writer: London Edition

By popular demand, here is a first sampling of some of the images and musings from my Europe trip. I’ll keep them coming- and keep them short and sweet.

So, yeah, I decided to pull the trigger and visit my friend Sue in London and my cousin in Dublin. It’s not the off-peak flight period I’d been eyeing, but sometimes you just have to spill the miles. The weather was good, I’d never been to Europe, it fit my work schedule, we’d been talking about it for awhile already, and my parents lived in London for years. In fact, I visited their old house. If things had gone slightly differently, I would’ve been born there like my older brother.

From Heathrow, I caught the tube with little difficulty. The tube goes overground on that route and I was surprised to see, even in the distant outskirts, nothing but classic British brick houses on little hills, packed in tight on tiny streets. Where are the strip malls? The sloppy slap-dash houses with vinyl siding? Is there no vinyl siding on this entire island? As I was to find during my travels, the answer is apparently “no.” The British believe quite firmly in not living in houses that look like they were extruded from plastic.

That familiar fast-growth landscape that we’re used to in the US? Walmart next to TGIF, Starbucks and McDonald’s on the corner, all in boxy beige buildings? Does not exist anywhere near London or Dorset. This was one of the biggest shocks of my trip. The Brits have chain stores, but they blend into the surrounding architecture and often inhabit buildings that are centuries old. I’ll post some pictures soon.

We headed off to the River Lee canal, about a mile from Sue’s place on the north side of London, where we saw a houseboat traversing a lock and picked up some ice cream (70p, or about US$24). Two little girls were out picking berries by the footpath with their father, and they offered us a few. (Sue tells me that despite the bucolic surroundings, the area has been plagued by thieves who ambush bicyclists, stab them in the leg, and make off with their transport.) We had above-average curry delivery for dinner. I love a country where you can get curry delivered. Sue wasn’t impressed with the quality though.

We also turned on the BBC digital radio for a bit in the kitchen. It happened to be on a classic rock station, and sure enough, the second song played was Mellencamp’s “Small Town,” a song that I was already weary of in the US. I changed the channel.
game-writer-boat

River Lee houseboats.

game-writer-lockRiver Lee lock.

game-writer-housesThe back of Sue’s flat. Every house in the country looks like this, by law.

game-writer-kitchen(Would your kitchen look this good if your fridge were broken?) Three observations about this part of the world, which held to be generally true in Ireland as well: 1) The fridges are really tiny by American standards. 2) The clothes washers are in the kitchens. No one has a dedicated laundry room or garage, in general. 3) That white box on the wall in the corner is an on-demand electric water heater, another standard feature. Uses less energy because you’re not paying to keep 60 gallons of water piping hot all day and all night.

Power of the Human Voice

Saw this on Facebook. (Jamal, I think it was yours.)

I love musical instruments, but we often forget that one of the most effective and adaptable instruments is carried with us everywhere we go. A single voice can haunt or inspire, whether in a video game cutscene or in concert. You just need to know how to harness it.

World Science Festival 2009: Bobby McFerrin Demonstrates the Power of the Pentatonic Scale from World Science Festival on Vimeo.

All Star Game 2009

all-star-game-2009

The NL Didn’t Have to Lose the All Star Game in 2009

The All Star Game 2009 is over, and the NL lost again. Good thing the Astros (the team that unfortunately has my witless loyalty) aren’t going to the WS, because now I don’t have to be angry about losing the 2009 All-Star Game.

Wait, I’m still angry about the 2009 All-Star Game. The American League has owned this contest for too long. The NL played this All-Star Game like a bunch of rookies, especially with all the fielding boo-boos and missed cut-off throws.

The crucial juncture IMHO was Heath Bell against hotshot rookie Adam Jones. At this point the All Star Game is tied in the 8th. Bell has a devastating breaking ball and a high-90s heater. He gives up a triple to Granderson, and then after an intentional walk, he faces the rook.

All Star Game 2009, Now 100% Strategy-Free

Bell throws two filthy breakers – sliders, I think. They look positively Brad Lidge-like. Jones is helpless against them, fouling them off his shoetops. Then Bell goes to the heater. “Good idea,” I think. “This guy is going to show him some heat to set up the breaking-ball strikeout. Classic technique against a rookie who’s never seen an All-Star Game-quality slider.”

Bell throws Jones another heater, and another. Unsurprisingly, the rookie is getting dialed in on that, catching up with each pitch. You don’t make the majors if you can’t hit straight cheese. “Where’s the slider?!?” I think. “And why is that four-seamer so damned straight?” Jones unsurprisingly pounds the crap out of the fourth straight fastball he sees in the AB. Fly ball to right. Granderson scores. Goodbye, All-Star Game 2009.

The Loser of the All Star Game 2009 Speaks Out

Here’s some Bell wisdom from the All-Star Game wrap at Fanhouse.com:

Bell explained that he had no scouting report whatsoever on Granderson.

“That’s the only thing that was worrying me [before the game], how am I going to pitch them?” Bell said. “I was trying to throw it by him, simple as that. I didn’t do my job. I probably should have thrown a breaking ball there. Oh well. I’m driving with my eyes closed.”

[I’m guessing this is actually what he said about Jones, not Granderson, since Jones is the rookie and Granderson’s been around awhile. Apparently this guy is so prepared that he never bothered to talk to any of the coaches or catchers about the guys he was about to face. I mean, it’s just the freakin’ All Star Game. Anyhow, here’s what he did after losing the 2009 All Star Game.]

“I got pissed, threw my glove, kicked a door, like I normally do,” he said. “Then I realized I’ve been pitching really good lately and I kind of needed a wake-up call and this is a good wake-up call, because it doesn’t count on my record. It didn’t ruin it for the Padres, my ultimate team.”

When it was pointed out to Bell that he may have ruined it in the World Series for the Dodgers, who have the majors’ best record, he seemed to get some satisfaction.

“I’ve ruined it for the Dodgers with saves against them,” he said, “so I’m just doing what I normally do.”

Would that be… losing the All-Star Game 2009?

Another ACL TV Show Experience

Back to ACL TV!

When it rains it pours. And in a good way.

Last Tuesday, it was ACL TV show time again. I was fortunate enough (and yes, willing enough to wait in line for 45 minutes in the 100 degree heat) to land tickets to the ACL TV taping for Allen Toussaint. I invited my pal and collaborator Jessica Nelson, who by the way is a very talented Austin logo designer and graphic designer. She was a first-timer, and I got a kick out of her exclamation after the first song: “I feel like I’m in a dream!”

We got an excellent spot in the second or third rank, mosh pit, stage right, just behind a young woman who proved to be the most uninhibited dancer and Toussaint fan in the entire crowd. I’m certain she’ll show up in the broadcast.

Allen Toussaint

Now when people talk about a “music legend,” there’s usually a little bit of reserve implied. The words mean important geezer or he was a wrecking ball in his prime. Bob Dylan is a music legend, but my friends who saw him at the ACL Music Festival are not reluctant to diss the man, claiming his performance was unfocused and unpleasant to the ear.

Allen Toussaint is a music legend, but I mean that only in a complimentary way. I was a little concerned going in that the show was destined to be an oldies, “pat on the back” kind of affair, but such concerns were only the figments of an uninformed mind.

You see, Allen Toussaint is musicality incarnate.

I’m not writing this to detail the contributions of Toussaint, a New Orleans R&B institution and author of hits for artists as diverse as Glen Campbell, the Stones, himself, and yes, Devo. But the guy is totally relevant and a master showman. Genial, sharing the spotlight generously with his talented band, Toussaint gave to the Steinway and the mike at his ACL TV taping like they were his own flesh and blood. I was consistently impressed with the sweetness and tonal perfection of the band’s solos. Probably the only sour note of the evening was when he threw us a wry, remonstrative smile when some lunk kicked a plastic cup during the quiet piano-accompanied storytelling lead-in for “Southern Nights.”

The ACL TV Taping’s Brightest Moments

There are two moments that stand out for me. One was a gift from the audience to him, and the other of course was his gift to us.

During his instrumental rendition of “St. James Infirmary,” some of the audience seized on the beat and began snapping their fingers to it. Spontaneously, everyone joined in, until the soft tune was delicately accented by all our fingers in unison. Toussaint had a smile on his face as he finished the song, and he thanked us for the experience.

The other moment was a brilliant, tour de force piano solo delivered by Toussaint without any help from his band. I dread to call it a medley, because medleys are often maudlin, and this performance was the antithesis of maudlin. It soared from jazz to pop to classical to R&B, blending them all and making a persuasive wordless argument for a universal theory of musical genres. Sometimes he hinted at familiar strains, like a gentle musical nudge; other times the ear could pick out pieces of Gershwin or Paul Simon. More impressive, really, was that the performance conveyed emotions more than musical ideas – wonder, joy, sadness, and at the end, an expansive sense of adventure and possibility that I can only guess to have been a statement about Austin and the spirit of the south. A lesser musician would’ve tried to make that statement with a bit of Willie Nelson or a lick of Texas blues, but no, no, Allen Toussaint is far too skilled and subtle for that.

When we left, we heard one of the ACL TV staff talking to another, grinning broadly. He was saying, “That one was a highlight.”

Thank you, Mr. Toussaint.